We all do it.  When faced with a panicky child, our most common piece of advice is, “Take a breath.”  And then one of two things happen: 

Compliant child: Opens mouth to sob in more air, only to find her chest is too constricted so not much goes in, which is so scary, escalating the panic as she wails – I CAN’T BREATHE!

Less compliant child: THAT DOESN’T HELP (and she’s right)

It doesn’t help to simply tell our kids to take a breath.  When they are already hyperventilating (or close to it), they can’t breathe effectively, which only serves to escalate their fear.  And when it’s the first thing we say, it feels (to a frantic 5-year old, 7-year old, 9-year old) hopelessly inadequate.

Think about the last time you were really worked up.  How would you have responded if someone met your sobbing (ranting, panicking, clenching) by telling you to breathe?  “I am breathing, damn it!”  It doesn’t really help.

And yet, it does.  Not telling someone to breathe, but the act of breathing.  When we are worked up (frightened, angry, tense) our breathing changes.  It becomes more shallow, less restorative.  We begin to starve ourselves of air, throwing off the balance of oxygen and CO₂, making it harder to remain calm, to think, to figure out how to help ourselves.  We need to breathe to restore our inner stasis, and kids do, too.  Here’s how to help them do it:

1. Start with an out-breath.  When chest muscles are tight (which happens as our feelings escalate), it is hard to breathe in.  Not being able to breathe in is scary, triggering a danger alarm deep within the brain, adding to that sense of panic already spiraling out of control.  Coach your child to breathe out, first.  Purse your lips a little and do it with her, blowing the air out like you would blow to extinguish a candle.
2. Do it with your child.  Even before you start speaking, blow out some air.  That’s a cue for your child, a nonverbal reminder to exhale.  Keep your breathing nice and slow.  Focus initially on the out-breaths, making them long, with shorter intakes through your nose in between.  Gradually lengthen your own in-breaths, so you are breathing in deeply (through your nose) and breathing out long and steady (through your mouth).  People have a natural inclination to match the pace and emotional pitch of their companions.  You are consciously bringing yours down, to help your child begin to de-escalate, too.
3. After your first out-breath, say something empathic.  Reflect what you are seeing, or put your child’s feelings into words in a calm, steady voice.  Something like, “Wow, that seemed scary” or “You are really mad right now.”  Keep all judgment out of your tone.  You are letting your child know that you get it.  You see what your child is feeling and whatever it is, it’s okay.
4. After that first, supportive comment, say something along the lines of “blow it out” or “let’s work on making your body feel okay so we can figure out what to do.”  Breathe as directed above, setting the pace, modeling for your child, letting your calm presence soothe her.
5. Resist the temptation to jump in with lots of words.  Questions, admonishments, threats – all of these are disorganizing to kids when they are already in a heightened state.  Practice what Dr. Teresa Bolick has described as “Low and Slow” (from Aspergers Disorder and Young Children), bringing the pace, tone, volume, and complexity of your speech down a few notches.
6. All of this will work substantially better if you practice breathing with your child ahead of time.  Start with a simple explanation: You know, when we get worked up it’s hard to think clearly.  We need to calm down before we can figure out what to do.  Making sure we’re breathing nice and slow can help us calm down.  Let’s practice so the next time we’re super-mad or really scared (or whatever feeling your child tends to have trouble with), we know just what to do.  Then aim for two or three brief practice sessions a day (we’re talking minutes here – in the car, before bed, etc.).  Simply prompt with, “Let’s do a few of those breaths.”  And you do it, too.
7. Some kids respond better when there is a visual component.  Have them imagine a smell to breathe in – brownies, sun tan lotion, horses.  They can picture the object and sniff in the scent, pulling it into their nostrils. 

Have you found a way to coach your child to breathe?  A visualization or relaxation exercise that works?  Feel free to share it here.