Competent Kids

...Helping Kids Live Happier Lives

June, 2010

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Why Reassurance Doesn’t Work…and What to Do, Instead

Wednesday, June 16th, 2010

“You’ll be fine!”  How many times have you said that to your child? One hundred times?  One thousand?  I promise I’ll be there to get you.  You’re not going to throw up.  It isn’t going to rain.  There won’t be any dogs.  Just call me if you need me…

But here’s the thing – no matter how many times you’ve reassured your anxious child, it isn’t enough.  She needs to hear you say it one more time.  To promise.  Pinky swear.  And still, it will never be enough.

Anxiety is characterized by the inability to tolerate uncertainty.  Those dreaded “what if’s” – What if I don’t feel well?  What if you aren’t there?  What if  I don’t like it…I miss you…I get bitten…we lose power…something goes very, very wrong?  You can tell your child that none of those things will happen, and still her anxiety comes back with…what if they do?

There are 3 classic thinking mistakes inherent in anxiety:

1.  Overestimating probability (the bad thing that might happen WILL happen)

2.  Overestimating magnitude (the bad thing that might happen will be CATASTROPHIC)

3.  Underestimating ability to cope (I totally cannot handle the bad thing that is going to happen)

Helping children recognize and correct these thinking mistakes is far more powerful than providing repeated reassurance.  I use a method called The 3 Questions.  Here’s how it works:

When a child is anxious (fretting, asking for reassurance), help her think through:

1.  What is the worry saying?  Kids often feel anxious without knowing why.  They’ll say they don’t feel well, or that something is ‘boring,’ or they just don’t want to do it.  Help your child pin down what the worry is actually about.

2.  How likely is that?  Help your child estimate probability.  You don’t have to get fancy – likely/unlikely is fine.

3a.  (if whatever she is worrying about it unlikely)  What’s more likely, instead?

3b. (if whatever she is worrying about it likely) What can she do to help herself?

Pose each of these questions, in turn.  Or better yet, have your child write them on an index card so she can refer to the questions, herself.  This sort of logical, sequential thinking makes it easier for kids to evaluate their worries, recognizing and correcting the classic thinking mistakes.  Over time, it gets easier for kids to remember that the things they worry about rarely happen.

Your role is to stop reassuring and, instead, prompt your child to use The 3 Questions.   Say, “That sounds like a worry-question; let’s think about those 3 questions.”  Encourage your child to answer the questions herself (rather than having you provide the answers) – your aim is to help your child internalize the sequence of questions and, importantly, to learn how to answer them herself.  Then, and only then, will she be able to recognize, “That’s the worry talking to me; the worry doesn’t know what it’s talking about; I don’t have to listen.”  Won’t that feel good?!

Posted in Managing Strong Feelings, Moving Away From Reassurance | 1 Response »

One Stone: Extinguishing Negative Behaviors in Kids

Wednesday, June 2nd, 2010

Go to the craft store and buy a bag of clear, blue stones.  Or go to the beach and find 30 smooth pebbles.  Put them in a jar.  These stones will be the start of an amazingly effective behavioral system.

Think of a behavior you want to extinguish.  Back talk is a biggie.  Forget everything you’ve been doing to try to stop it (unless what you’ve been doing has worked, in which case you can stop reading this post and go find something else to do).  Here’s the new plan:

At the start of each week, your child gets 30 stones in her jar.  Each time she talks back (uses a rude tone, sasses you, argues after you’ve asked her to stop), you are going to calmly say, “That will cost you a stone.”  If your child immediately stops the backtalk, nothing else needs to happen.  If she continues, walk over to her jar and calmly remove one stone.  At the end of the week, she gets a point for each stone OVER 15 that remain in the jar.  If she has 18 stones left, she gets 3 points (18 minus 15).  If she has 27 stones left, she gets 12 points (27 minus 15).  If she has 9 stones left, she gets zero.  Using 15 as a base is important; for behavior to change, your child needs to be putting forth effort to hold onto her stones.  Fewer than 16 stones shows very little effort, and should not be rewarded.

Decide on a menu of rewards based on points – 15 points might earn a trip to the bookstore; 25 points a visit to the local SPCA to play with cats; 40 points a sleepover with a friend.

Some important factors:

1.  Your child should only lose 1 stone at a time.  Don’t retaliate by saying, “You just lost another stone” if your child sasses you when you take the first stone.  Upping the ante in this way will quickly wipe your child out, rendering the system useless.  If you take a stone and your child keeps giving you a hard time, shift to a different system for setting limits.  1-2-3:Magic is particularly effective (First infraction, say “that’s one”; if child continues, say “that’s two”; if keeps going, say “that’s three” and deliver a consequence such as time-out or the brief loss of a privelege).

2.  Keep your tone neutral.

3.  Don’t engage in the specifics of what your child is saying.  When he talks back, simply state, “That will be a stone” (eventually shortened to “Stone”) and if he doesn’t quickly stop, take the stone.

4.  Explain the system to your child before beginning.  Focus on the benefits to your child – less yelling and the opportunity to earn cool stuff.

The beauty of the system is that it helps your child modify a negative behavior with relatively little fuss.  Try it on backtalk, swearing, complaining, and negative persistence (whining, begging).  Then weigh in.  How did it work?

Posted in Extinguishing Negative Behaviors, Managing Relationships | No Responses »