“Stop it!”  “You’re an idiot!”  “Get away from me!”  “That’s mine!”  Ah, the chorus of children’s voices…

There are few things more stressful to parents, few things more insidious, more undermining to children’s self-esteem than the jabs and barbs of siblings. 

Why can’t they just get along?  It’s a good question.  One you’ve probably asked a thousand times – perhaps in a voice several decibels louder than you’d care to admit.

There are actually two good reasons for all this fighting: 1) many children lack the skills necessary for handling sibling squabbles and 2) they are trying to win your favor.  “What?  Win my favor!?”  I can hear you now, “I’d give anything for 10 minutes of peace.  How could this fighting possibly be for my benefit??”  Believe it or not, it is.

Children are biologically programmed to want and need their parents’ love and attention, leading to a complex, often greedy-seeming desire to remain front and center in the eyes of the people who are literally keeping them alive (that would be you).  And even after they no longer need your constant attention, they continue to crave it.

Siblings, of course, are big time competitors.  They also want and need you for themselves.  So kids continually vie for the biggest prize – you.  Your time.  Your attention.  Your favor.  Your love.

Now as you well know, you can give your time, attention, favor, and love to all your children; you don’t have to choose just one.  But that’s not how they see it, especially if you have been stepping into their battles – mediating, laying blame, telling one or the other what to do.  Parents do this all the time.

“She’s younger than you.”  “Leave him alone.”  “Just let her use it.”

To parents it seems like logic.  To kids it is anything but that.  It’s a contest pure and simple, and you are the grand prize.  To motivate your kids to actually work things out for themselves, you need to remove yourself from the equation.  This is probably the single most important thing parents can do to reduce sibling rivalry.  It leads to a seismic shift, away from you (the parent), and back onto whatever the argument was about to begin with.  With parental favor no longer a factor, the steam goes out of many sibling squabbles.

Of course, not all children have the skills they need to negotiate disagreements – skills like talking and listening, compromising and making contracts, managing feelings and letting things go.  You can start teaching these skills immediately, and watch for them to be addressed in future posts. 

Keep in mind that it is common for children to express strong, negative feelings about their siblings.  While this might be shocking (and painful) to you, it’s important to accept a full range of feelings.  Understand their fury, or sadness, or jealousy while helping your children translate these feelings into acceptable language.  Don’t be too quick to silence your children’s feelings or offer advice.  Instead, provide support for managing strong feelings.  When calm, your children will be better able to find their own solutions.

While there should always be a place for talking in your family, tattling is a different story.  Telling on siblings for the express purpose of getting them in trouble should not be allowed.  Empathize with your children, without getting involved in or trying to solve their problems.  Your goal is not to end any particular struggle, but to support your children in using coping and conflict-resolution skills.

Have you landed on a solution for helping your children get along?  Please share it.  And check back next week for “Don’t Take the Bait: Teaching Children to Deflect and Defuse Teasing.”