Managing Relationships

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One Stone: Extinguishing Negative Behaviors in Kids

Wednesday, June 2nd, 2010

Go to the craft store and buy a bag of clear, blue stones. Or go to the beach and find 30 smooth pebbles. Put them in a jar. These stones will be the start of an amazingly effective behavioral system.

Think of a behavior you want to extinguish. Back talk is a biggie. Forget everything you’ve been doing to try to stop it (unless what you’ve been doing has worked, in which case you can stop reading this post and go find something else to do). Here’s the new plan:

At the start of each week, your child gets 30 stones in her jar. Each time she talks back (uses a rude tone, sasses you, argues after you’ve asked her to stop), you are going to calmly say, “That will cost you a stone.” If your child immediately stops the backtalk, nothing else needs to happen. If she continues, walk over to her jar and calmly remove one stone. At the end of the week, she gets a point for each stone OVER 15 that remain in the jar. If she has 18 stones left, she gets 3 points (18 minus 15). If she has 27 stones left, she gets 12 points (27 minus 15). If she has 9 stones left, she gets zero. Using 15 as a base is important; for behavior to change, your child needs to be putting forth effort to hold onto her stones. Fewer than 16 stones shows very little effort, and should not be rewarded.

Decide on a menu of rewards based on points – 15 points might earn a trip to the bookstore; 25 points a visit to the local SPCA to play with cats; 40 points a sleepover with a friend.

Some important factors:

1. Your child should only lose 1 stone at a time. Don’t retaliate by saying, “You just lost another stone” if your child sasses you when you take the first stone. Upping the ante in this way will quickly wipe your child out, rendering the system useless. If you take a stone and your child keeps giving you a hard time, shift to a different system for setting limits. 1-2-3:Magic is particularly effective (First infraction, say “that’s one”; if child continues, say “that’s two”; if keeps going, say “that’s three” and deliver a consequence such as time-out or the brief loss of a privelege).

2. Keep your tone neutral.

3. Don’t engage in the specifics of what your child is saying. When he talks back, simply state, “That will be a stone” (eventually shortened to “Stone”) and if he doesn’t quickly stop, take the stone.

4. Explain the system to your child before beginning. Focus on the benefits to your child – less yelling and the opportunity to earn cool stuff.

The beauty of the system is that it helps your child modify a negative behavior with relatively little fuss. Try it on backtalk, swearing, complaining, and negative persistence (whining, begging). Then weigh in. How did it work?

Posted in Extinguishing Negative Behaviors, Managing Relationships | No Responses »

All that Glitters: Designing Effective Reward Systems for Kids

Sunday, May 23rd, 2010

Make it clear. Make it appealing. Do it fast. Link it to the behavior you want to reward…

I have broken my own rules (Ugh!) by not quickly posting an insightful entry following the single non-spam comment I have received since starting my blog, a comment asking me to talk about reward systems. I wish I could turn back the clock, follow my own advice to immediately reward the one engaged reader I have. I hope she’s still out there…

Behavior that is rewarded increases – one of the basic tenants of Learning Theory. Really, it’s as simple as that. Identify the behaviors you want to see more of, and reward them. The tricky part, of course, is to (1) identify behaviors in language that is specific and clear, (2) elicit your child’s interest in the system, and (3) work in small enough steps that your child is bound to succeed.

(1) Identify behaviors in clear, specific language. Word goals in the positive (‘keep your hands to yourself’), highlighting what you want your child to do. Target specific behaviors (skills), rather than outcomes. Let’s say you want your child to stop biting her nails. Don’t harp on her to stop biting and don’t promise a manicure once her nails are long (unlikely to work). Instead, find behaviors incompatible with nail biting, behaviors that meet your child’s needs in a healthier way (using a fiddle toy, blocking access to her nails, finding other outlets for stress, etc.), then design a reward system around the use of these skills. A manicure might still be the carrot, but allow your daughter to earn it by using new skills, which may or may not coincide with having longer nails (after all, one nibbling spree can cancel out all her hard work). Teach and reward specific, measurable behaviors.

(2) Elicit your child’s interest. Kids do best with a combination of internal and external rewards. You are managing the external rewards, but can make sure your child recognizes the internal rewards, as well. Point out the various ways life will be better when your child succeeds with the behavior plan (less yelling, more time, etc.). Underline his sense of pride. Be creative with the carrots (external rewards) you are dangling. Activity- and privelege-rewards are appealing to kids: one-on-one time with a parent, family activities, special time with a friend, getting a pass on a hated chore – all make for good rewards. Make the system itself fun. Design a colorful chart, or use a jar, filling it with one marble at a time as your child succeeds with the targeted behavior. Once your child has earned a reward, let him have it as soon as possible. Kids ages 5 and older enjoy the immediate gratification of a check-mark (or marble) followed by a larger (delayed) reward for accumulated checks/marbles.

(3) Keep expectations within your child’s reach. With reasonable effort, your child should be able to earn rewards fairly quickly. Complex behaviors can be broken into parts in a process known as shaping. If, for example, you want your child to get ready for school without theatrics (refusal to get out of bed, angst about what to wear, need for multiple reminders about teeth, glacial-paced breakfast, etc.), you might start by re-vamping the wake-up plan, rewarding your child for setting her alarm and responding to it on her own. Then you might move to getting dressed, perhaps rewarding your child for laying out her clothes the night before and putting them on fuss-free. Identify and reward specific behaviors until they are firmly in place, gradually building on these behaviors with closer approximations to your goal. Older/more motivated kids can handle several new behaviors at once. Younger/less motivated kids do better with one behavior at a time. Both benefit from clarity. Many a reward system has crashed and burned by targeting too many behaviors at once or (even worse) failing to define target behaviors (e.g., ‘being good’ is not a target behavior).

Reward systems need to extend over time. It takes at least 3 weeks for new behaviors to become routine, so plan on following the reward system for a month or more. Tweak it slightly as you go, varying the prize (to keep interest high) and possibly modifying what your child needs to do to earn it (moving, for example, from 5 points to 1o points to 15). If your child is not earning points, or is earning points without changes in behavior, re-examine your system. Are the behaviors you are striving for clear enough? Do you need to break them down into smaller parts? Keep the system simple and clear. You can add new, more sophisticated behaviors as your child masters the initial targets.

Next time, a twist on rewards: using a jar system to extinguish unwanted behavior.

Posted in Increasing Positive Behaviors, Managing Relationships | No Responses »

Don’t Take the Bait: Teaching Children to Deflect and Defuse Teasing

Wednesday, March 24th, 2010

Most of us tell our children to ignore their siblings when something annoying is going on. How often do children actually follow this sage advice? Not so much, right?

Why is that? Teasing provokes strong feelings, which can be hard to keep in check. And face it, it’s hard to ignore all those pesky, annoying, rude things brothers and sisters do. But ignoring is important AND it works, as long as your kids do it right. You can teach them how.

First, explain to your children that when their siblings are bossy or mean or rude, they are looking for a reaction. When you (the target child) respond in a bothered way, you are rewarding them by giving them exactly what they want, increasing the chances that they’ll do it again (and again, and again).

So while it might be tempting to yell at your siblings when they are bothering you, it’s actually a major mistake. It’s like you’re a fish and they’re throwing you a big juicy worm. Don’t bite! Swim away, instead.

At which point any self-respecting child will say, “What the heck does that mean?”

It means ignore them. Either physically or mentally. Keep your mouth shut (you don’t want a mouthful of worm), and turn away. Not with theatrics (that would be rewarding), but calmly.

Walk away, literally. And if you can’t, find someplace to go in your mind. Replay your last soccer game. Tune in your brain to an episode of your favorite TV show. Count backwards from 50. There are plenty of things to do.

That’s the basic version of ignoring.

More sophisticated kids (ages 7 and up) can also be taught to ignore with a twist. With regular ignoring, you completely tune out your brother or sister. Or walk away from them. When you ignore with a twist, you continue to interact, pretending that whatever your brother or sister is doing isn’t bothering you.

What would this look like? Well, it might take the form of distraction.

Example:

Child 1: Saying sibling’s name over and over again, trying to get their goat.

Child 2: Hey, let’s see if Mom will let us build a fort in the living room.

Or agreement.

Example:

Child 1: You stink at baseball.

Child 2: I know! It’s really embarrassing.

Or deflection by way of a joke.

Child 1: Hey, chipmunk cheeks!

Child 2: [puffs out cheeks in an exaggerated way, googly-eyes, smile]

Kids who ignore with a twist quickly discover that distracting brothers and sisters, agreeing with them, or laughing off what they have said, works well. Especially if they use a regular voice, or act wacky when they make the joke.

Ignoring with a twist takes brothers and sisters by surprise. It’s a way of shrugging off the annoying parts of teasing, rather than shining a spotlight on them.

Do you have a child skilled at deflecting the jabs and barbs of siblings? If not, practice these skills, which are effective not only with siblings, but also classmates, neighbors, and friends.

Posted in Dealing with Teasing, Managing Relationships | No Responses »

Stop it, Stupid! A Bird’s Eye View of Sibling Squabbles

Wednesday, March 17th, 2010

“Stop it!” “You’re an idiot!” “Get away from me!” “That’s mine!” Ah, the chorus of children’s voices…

There are few things more stressful to parents, few things more insidious, more undermining to children’s self-esteem than the jabs and barbs of siblings.

Why can’t they just get along? It’s a good question. One you’ve probably asked a thousand times – perhaps in a voice several decibels louder than you’d care to admit.

There are actually two good reasons for all this fighting: 1) many children lack the skills necessary for handling sibling squabbles and 2) they are trying to win your favor. “What? Win my favor!?” I can hear you now, “I’d give anything for 10 minutes of peace. How could this fighting possibly be for my benefit??” Believe it or not, it is.

Children are biologically programmed to want and need their parents’ love and attention, leading to a complex, often greedy-seeming desire to remain front and center in the eyes of the people who are literally keeping them alive (that would be you). And even after they no longer need your constant attention, they continue to crave it.

Siblings, of course, are big time competitors. They also want and need you for themselves. So kids continually vie for the biggest prize – you. Your time. Your attention. Your favor. Your love.

Now as you well know, you can give your time, attention, favor, and love to all your children; you don’t have to choose just one. But that’s not how they see it, especially if you have been stepping into their battles – mediating, laying blame, telling one or the other what to do. Parents do this all the time.

“She’s younger than you.” “Leave him alone.” “Just let her use it.”

To parents it seems like logic. To kids it is anything but that. It’s a contest pure and simple, and you are the grand prize. To motivate your kids to actually work things out for themselves, you need to remove yourself from the equation. This is probably the single most important thing parents can do to reduce sibling rivalry. It leads to a seismic shift, away from you (the parent), and back onto whatever the argument was about to begin with. With parental favor no longer a factor, the steam goes out of many sibling squabbles.

Of course, not all children have the skills they need to negotiate disagreements – skills like talking and listening, compromising and making contracts, managing feelings and letting things go. You can start teaching these skills immediately, and watch for them to be addressed in future posts.

Keep in mind that it is common for children to express strong, negative feelings about their siblings. While this might be shocking (and painful) to you, it’s important to accept a full range of feelings. Understand their fury, or sadness, or jealousy while helping your children translate these feelings into acceptable language. Don’t be too quick to silence your children’s feelings or offer advice. Instead, provide support for managing strong feelings. When calm, your children will be better able to find their own solutions.

While there should always be a place for talking in your family, tattling is a different story. Telling on siblings for the express purpose of getting them in trouble should not be allowed. Empathize with your children, without getting involved in or trying to solve their problems. Your goal is not to end any particular struggle, but to support your children in using coping and conflict-resolution skills.

Have you landed on a solution for helping your children get along? Please share it. And check back next week for “Don’t Take the Bait: Teaching Children to Deflect and Defuse Teasing.”

Posted in Managing Relationships, Understanding Sibling Rivalry | No Responses »